eHarmony

I was talking to a friend one day about online dating. When she said that she thought about doing it, I did not think that she was serious. She used the tone of voice that you use when you contemplate, but never really intend, to do something. For example, "I'm thinking about getting a loom." So I replied, sarcastically, "If you do it, I'll do it." So when she did it, I hoped that she forgot my foolhardy statement. I am now $250 poorer.

Before I describe my experience with eHarmony, I should mention a few disclaimers about myself. The verdict may still be out whether or not I am a catch, but I can say with some authority that I am not the worse person in the world. I know that there are women crazier, less attractive and more demanding than me. With that glowing endorsement of my dateability, I think that it is safe to say that I should have some prospects.

Well, I don't. I have received many matches from eHarmony. eHarmony sends an e-mail notifying the prospective couple that a match was made. Then you are supposed to login to your match page to read more about the prospective match. At that point, you have four options: start communicating with the match, put the match on hold, i.e. give some canned reason why you can't move forward at this time, close the match or do nothing.

When I started using eHarmony, I never thought that doing nothing was a viable option. After all, I could do that without spending $250 and have a good time doing it. Apparently men spend the money to enroll in the service, post a series of flattering photos and spend a considerable amount of time taking a personality test just so they can not respond to any communications.

There are no consequences if you close the match. The person can't find you and ask follow-up questions. No one is going to boil your bunny. Some friends suggested that I stop making the "first move," which I have tried. Still nothing. After several months, I'm lucky if the person puts the match "On Hold."

Why haven't I closed the unresponsive matches? Pure curiosity. I'm waiting to find one guy brave enough to actually use the service he paid for. I don't care about getting a date. If I ever get to actually talk to one of these guys, I may treat it like a sociological study. "So after 9 months of receiving my match, what made you decide to start communicating today?"

I do close matches when I have no interest whatsover or if the match does not meet my criteria. For instance, I originally requested that I not get matched with someone outside of the state. I have been matched with guys who live in New York, New Hampshire, Maine, Rhode Island, and Connecticut. Via e-mail, I decided to notify eHarmony of this problem. Here is an excerpt of eHarmony's response:

"We do not match based on estimated driving distance, sailing distance, or rail transportation. Our system is also unable to interpret the shortest distances around bodies of water, mountains, canyons, etc. It is only to determine distance in a straight line from point A to point B."

So in theory, I could get matched with someone in Canada. Don't tell me that you don't measure bodies of water, mountains, continents, the number of fire ants in the area, or the direction of wind. I just want to be matched with someone in the same state. Just look at the state abbreviations. I'll figure out whether the valley is too low or the mountain too high. I refuse to believe that it is so hard.

Neil Clark Warren's claims that he wants to help people build successful, long-lasting relationships, but he does not seem to understand some rudimentary facts about 21st century. eHarmony does ask whether or not you would be willing to accept a partner who has children 18 years old or younger living full time in their home, but it fails to ask other questions. Are you willing to be matched with someone who has children, but the children do not live with him? Is he a responsible father and providing for the children that do not live with him? How many kids? Did the kids come from the same mother or different women?

It is important that a guy has kids, but it is more important to understand the relationship(s) that produced the kids. Unlike "Dr." Warren, I do not have 35 years of private counseling, research and public speaking, but I do know that the key to a long-lasting relationship is the ability to stay in one. Relationships end, but not when a child is involved. Ideally, parents will continue to stay in contact and have a civil relationship in order to create a good environment for the child. Maybe I am expecting too much from the matching process. $250 only buys so much.