Rich Dad, Poor Dad--You're Still A Bastard!

That's right, Robert Kiyosaki, I'm talking to you! And shame on you, PBS, for lending your respectability in exchange for a few pledges. When I watch PBS, I expect that most of the shows are going to be based on thorough and exhaustive research, not gimmicky Saturday morning hotel room seminars dripping with the slimy aura of a get rich scheme.

So when I noticed that the PBS advertisement for "Rich Dad's Guide to Wealth," I decided to watch it. The advertisement asserted that I would "Learn to be an active, not passive, investor, find out why stocks, bonds and mutual funds are the riskiest investments and figure out how to 'win the game of money.'"

I will watch anything related to finances, but I also have a brain. Within a few minutes of watching Mr. Kiyosaki prance around the stage while using words like "assets" and "liabilities" incorrectly, periodically writing on a white board and pulling out random newspaper clippings, I was horrified to think that some people were listening to him and taking his advice.

Mr. Kiyosaki is the Satan of Finance. At first, he offers friendly anecdotes. He peppers his talk with brief moments of common sense and truth. It is hard to get money. Most people don't know how to do it. He justly criticizes educators for not teaching children more about how to manage their finances.

Mr. Kiyosaki seems innocuous as he shares moments with his audience by getting them to nod their heads and laugh in agreement, but my stomach churned at how insidious he really was. He is not laughing with them. He is really laughing at them because he knows how easy it is to get an audience on your side. He only has to pretend that he is sharing secrets with them without saying anything substantive.

Mr. Kiyosaki never offers any concrete examples of how to make money, but does spend an awfully long time ridiculing the traditional ways: saving money, working hard and investing. He says that people should not worry so much about getting into debt or investing. He even ridicules the idea of paying your mortgage. His advice: get something that will make money for you so you don't have to work. Has anyone found a golden goose or the end of a rainbow?

Mr. Kiyosaki finally closed his hour of shuffling by summarizing his advice in one simple sentence. How do you find that money tree? Follow your dreams. I wish that I was kidding. That's how he ends the hour. That's it. Follow your dreams. He then cites Mick Jagger as an example because Mick went to school to work in economics, but ended up a rock star. That's it. Become a rock star. Because rock stars don't have to tour twenty four hours or suddenly become bankrupt. Let me get out my notebook to record your brilliant advice. WWMJD!

After doing a little digging, I was not too surprised that like marijuana, Mr. Kiyosaki's hour special is only a gateway to a stronger dose of his financial pabulum at the cost of $5000 for a longer seminar on how to make money in real estate. It felt like PBS aired this infomercial two times a day for the entire month of March. It scares me to think of how many people watched his show, and that those people will actually believe him.

For instance, my mother caught a few minutes of his show. Ever since Enron, she has been very nervous about my investments and has encouraged me to pull all my money out of my IRA. Even after reading several good books on personal finance, she is still edgy about my financial decisions, but I had managed to quiet her fears after slowy going through each investment and explaining why I decided to take a certain course of action.

After watching Mr. Kiyosaki, my mom tore into my room and was thoroughly panicked about my investments. Years of patient explanations and success were cast aside by a few minutes with this blowhard! Mr. Kiyosaki, now it is personal. Don't mess with the mommy!

Mr. Kiyosaki, America is facing a difficult time. We eat too much without exercising. We can't temper our desires so we live beyond our means in the hopes that we will become happy, but instead descend into a hell of debt and worry. Meanwhile, our economy is floundering and even hardworking people who follow the rules are having a hard time.

Then you come into their homes, sell them the Brooklyn Bridge and tell them it will be OK. The rules are stupid. You don't have to save. You don't have to work hard. You don't have to be smart. Well, when you mess with America at this critical financial time, you're not just messing with my mommy! You're messing with everyone's mom, dad, brother and sister. And if America falls for it, and you get to line your pockets with their credit card receipts, checks and money orders endorsed to you, I would stop laughing because there is one game that you can't win with a wink and a smile. That's the game of eternity!

The Bible focuses predominantly on financial issues and our attitude to money. "And if we have food and covering, with these we shall be content (1 Timothy 6:8)." In other words, there is more to life than money. On the other hand, the Bible does exhort us to treat money wisely and not get into debt. "Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another (Romans 13:8)." The Bible encourages us to invest wisely and provide for our loved ones, "…children are not responsible to save up for their parents, but parents for their children (2 Corinthians 12:14)." Perhaps you have even heard of the man who gave his servants talents and rewarded them when they invested their talents.

But Mr. Kiyosaki, your wealth is not solely dependent on real estate, but fleecing your fellow citizens. I hate to break it to you, but the Native Americans were right. The land is not yours. "The land, moreover, shall not be sold permanently, for the land is Mine... (Leviticus 25:23)"

Mr. Kiyosaki, you are not rich because you are cunning. He made you rich, and He can make you poor...financially or spiritually. "The Lord makes poor and rich; He brings low, He also exalts (1 Samuel 2:7)." Mr. Kiyosaki, you are a false teacher, and it is time for you to repent. "But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you...and in their greed they will exploit you with false words (2 Peter 2: 1, 3)."

Return $5,000 to each person who attended your seminar, apologize publicly and continue to invest in real estate (if that is how you really made your money...assuming you have any) and earn money the honest way. If you do not, you will not prosper: "...the treacherous will be caught by their own greed (Proverbs 11:6)."

If you decide to repent, then follow God's advice on how to prosper. Do not worship idols by only focusing on becoming rich. Instead, acknowledge that God owns everything, ask Him for His guidance, diversify your investments--i.e. don't just invest in real estate, steadily save, and give generously. Do not exploit others and treat the poor fairly. Do not denigrate hard work (John 5:17). Pay your taxes. If Jesus could, so can you (Matthew 22: 17-21).

Finally, do not be proud or trust in your riches, but in the Lord. "...let the rich man glory in his humiliation, because like flowering grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with a scorching wind, and withers the grass; and its flower falls off, and the beauty of its appearance is destroyed; so too is the rich man in the midst of his pursuits will fade away (James 1:9-11)."

Worst Buy

The Mission: Buy a new VCR.

Destination: Best Buy at the Cambridgeside Galleria. Best Buy is the only large retail electronic store in Cambridge accessible by public transportation for students and residents who refuse to drive.

Time of Arrival: Approximately 3:30 p.m.

I head upstairs straight to the VCR/DVD section and notice that Panasonic is the only company that sells VCRs. I impulsively decide that it may be time to finally purchase a DVD Recorder/VCR Combo. VHS tapes are almost extinct, and I need to start converting my massive VHS collection to DVDs. I am the ideal mark for any sales associate. I want to buy an expensive product and have done no research.

I look around for a sales associate. There is not one single blue shirt in sight. One extra large blue shirt passes, and he says that he will be with me in a minute.

Time of irritation: 3:45 p.m. Mr. Extra Large Blue Shirt has disappeared into the ether. Suddenly a plethora of male customers appear accompanied by assorted fawning blue shirts. One blue shirt and some customers, a father and son, stand right beside me to discuss the same product.

I pick up my cell phone and call Amazon.com, the best store in the world, virtual or otherwise. They promptly give me more help over the phone despite being an online store than any blue shirt in Best Buy. I decide to become a crazy lady who talks loudly on her cell phone so others can hear me.

"I'm definitely going to buy this product from Amazon. No one at this store has been helpful, and the selection is not nearly as good. You're absolutely right. This product is not nearly as good as the one that you suggested. " After the blue shirt returns, explains that the product is not available, and apologetically offers to help the customers find something else, the father and son soon disappear after "accidentally" overhearing my conversation.

Number of Sales Lost: 2.

Time of the Final Blow: Approximately 4 p.m.

The blue shirt passes me to ask everyone other than me if they need help so I get back on my phone, resume the role of crazy loud lady and recap these events for my mother, while helpfully adding, "No one here has helped me at all. I'm not buying anything today." In a matter of seconds, this blue shirt asks, "May I help you." "Not now, thank you."

Resolutions: To not buy anything from Best Buy unless it costs under $20.00.

Prior Resolutions: Never buy a warranty plan from Best Buy because the customer gets the same quality treatment with the privilege of waiting longer.

Actual Conversation Overheard on T

Elderly gentleman (EG) to his wife: "I heard that Angelina Jolie's lips are out and another actress' are in."
Wife: "Oh yeah."
EG: "Did you know Angelina Jolie is related to Jon Voight?"
Wife: "I think you told me that."
EG "They're 'estranged.' He seems to really care for her, but she won't talk to him. Seems like kind of a jerk." (He gets up to exit.)
Wife: "Be careful, honey. You're about to step on that bag."

Neighbors

If I did not love my condo as much as I do, I would move. My neighbors are too nosy and have too much time on their hands.

One neighbor, whom I would find interesting if I did not live in the same building with her, notices what time I come home! One day when I came home earlier than I normally do, she greeted me with the following innocuous comment: "Aren't I paying your salary?"

(I work for the state government, and for those nosy people who want to know why I came home so early, government workers have "flex time," which means that I can stay late one day and leave early the next as long as I am at work during certain required times and work a total of 37.5 hours a week.)

Fortunately, she never has to worry about anyone asking her about her work hours because she is self-employed as a soccer coach and dog-walker and also has a loom in her condo, which I am sure is related to one of her many professions.

I also enjoy being treated like a child. On one snowy day, I had to scratch the ice sealing the garbage and recycling containers shut with my bare hands in order to throw my garbage out in the appropriate bins, but that is the price that I am willing to pay for living in the fabulous blue state of Massachusetts.

After disposing of my refuse, a neighbor came out. I could not understand what he was saying because of the wind. As he was shoveling the snow off the top of the containers, I thought that he was asking me which container was which because the labels were mostly covered by accumulated flakes (that's not snow...they are my neighbors...I'm here all week). Also I think that my common sense filter was turned on, and I refused to believe what I was hearing, "Don't throw your garbage in the recycling."

Instead I walked back towards the building after telling him which receptacle corresponded to which type of trash until he gestured angrily while holding up a paper bag containing paper products and repeated, "Don't throw your garbage in the recycling." I struggled with my desire to tell him what I thought, but decided to remain polite as I stated the obvious. I didn't throw out my garbage, and he was holding recycling. Apparently nosiness corresponds with being sight impaired.

I have no idea whether or not he understood what I was saying because as I entered the building, I could tell that he was upset that I did not return to the freezing cold in order to exonerate myself and reassure him that I was not culpable.

I know that moving would not help because a friend at another Cambridge condo has encountered her share of annoying neighbors. While moving into her condo, her brother left the keys in the moving van so a neighbor took them and left without leaving a note in order to teach her a lesson. This same neighbor praised her when he witnessed her checking that the main entrance door was locked before leaving the premises.

I am not sure if I and my friend have experienced such patronizing behavior because we are younger than most of our neighbors and women, but I am reassured when I see my loom-owning neighbor terrorizing residents who smoke on the sidewalk. Bad neighbors are not sexist. They are willing to annoy everyone equally.

eHarmony

I was talking to a friend one day about online dating. When she said that she thought about doing it, I did not think that she was serious. She used the tone of voice that you use when you contemplate, but never really intend, to do something. For example, "I'm thinking about getting a loom." So I replied, sarcastically, "If you do it, I'll do it." So when she did it, I hoped that she forgot my foolhardy statement. I am now $250 poorer.

Before I describe my experience with eHarmony, I should mention a few disclaimers about myself. The verdict may still be out whether or not I am a catch, but I can say with some authority that I am not the worse person in the world. I know that there are women crazier, less attractive and more demanding than me. With that glowing endorsement of my dateability, I think that it is safe to say that I should have some prospects.

Well, I don't. I have received many matches from eHarmony. eHarmony sends an e-mail notifying the prospective couple that a match was made. Then you are supposed to login to your match page to read more about the prospective match. At that point, you have four options: start communicating with the match, put the match on hold, i.e. give some canned reason why you can't move forward at this time, close the match or do nothing.

When I started using eHarmony, I never thought that doing nothing was a viable option. After all, I could do that without spending $250 and have a good time doing it. Apparently men spend the money to enroll in the service, post a series of flattering photos and spend a considerable amount of time taking a personality test just so they can not respond to any communications.

There are no consequences if you close the match. The person can't find you and ask follow-up questions. No one is going to boil your bunny. Some friends suggested that I stop making the "first move," which I have tried. Still nothing. After several months, I'm lucky if the person puts the match "On Hold."

Why haven't I closed the unresponsive matches? Pure curiosity. I'm waiting to find one guy brave enough to actually use the service he paid for. I don't care about getting a date. If I ever get to actually talk to one of these guys, I may treat it like a sociological study. "So after 9 months of receiving my match, what made you decide to start communicating today?"

I do close matches when I have no interest whatsover or if the match does not meet my criteria. For instance, I originally requested that I not get matched with someone outside of the state. I have been matched with guys who live in New York, New Hampshire, Maine, Rhode Island, and Connecticut. Via e-mail, I decided to notify eHarmony of this problem. Here is an excerpt of eHarmony's response:

"We do not match based on estimated driving distance, sailing distance, or rail transportation. Our system is also unable to interpret the shortest distances around bodies of water, mountains, canyons, etc. It is only to determine distance in a straight line from point A to point B."

So in theory, I could get matched with someone in Canada. Don't tell me that you don't measure bodies of water, mountains, continents, the number of fire ants in the area, or the direction of wind. I just want to be matched with someone in the same state. Just look at the state abbreviations. I'll figure out whether the valley is too low or the mountain too high. I refuse to believe that it is so hard.

Neil Clark Warren's claims that he wants to help people build successful, long-lasting relationships, but he does not seem to understand some rudimentary facts about 21st century. eHarmony does ask whether or not you would be willing to accept a partner who has children 18 years old or younger living full time in their home, but it fails to ask other questions. Are you willing to be matched with someone who has children, but the children do not live with him? Is he a responsible father and providing for the children that do not live with him? How many kids? Did the kids come from the same mother or different women?

It is important that a guy has kids, but it is more important to understand the relationship(s) that produced the kids. Unlike "Dr." Warren, I do not have 35 years of private counseling, research and public speaking, but I do know that the key to a long-lasting relationship is the ability to stay in one. Relationships end, but not when a child is involved. Ideally, parents will continue to stay in contact and have a civil relationship in order to create a good environment for the child. Maybe I am expecting too much from the matching process. $250 only buys so much.

The New TV Guide

How can the TV Guide be larger and have less information? As much as I appreciate the sudden onslaught of Wentworth Miller photos, I have not used TV Guide since I was a kid because of cute guys. TV Guide provided extensive descriptions of tv shows. It was a convenient size that could fit easily on a coffee table, on top of a videotape or DVD. It was right by the cash register at the supermarket.

I knew that bad things were coming when the format changed several times last year. At one point, a couple of movie descriptions were written in Spanish even though they were not Spanish movies or aired on Spanish channels.

From Monday to Friday, TV Guide's editors seem to think that television shows only air from 8 PM to 11 PM because they do not list any shows before or after that time. At the time, I rationalized that during the week, the shows aired appear with some regularlity, but now TV Guide has decided to include Saturday and Sunday in this limited format.

TV Guide has made a huge mistake because sometimes the most interesting shows appear at those times on Saturday and Sunday. Occasionally, you can find an IMAX documentary or a rarely-viewed movie, but with TV Guide's new format, the reader can't discover these serendipitous treasures.

In addition, TV Guide has begun to show incompetence. It only lists one PBS channel whereas my region has two PBS channels. The magazine does not even state which PBS channel it is featuring, Channel 44 or 2.

TV Guide is trying to recast itself as an entertainment magazine, not a guide for TV shows. By doing so, the editors are throwing away years of branding and customer appreciation and competing in a market that it is ill equipt to compete in. With entertainment magazines widely ranging in quality from Vanity Fair to Entertainment Weekly, there is no untouched customer base.

I know that I am not the only customer who may cancel her subscription, but it is difficult to do so when I have faithfully purchased TV Guide, regardless of the price change. Still any magazine that ignores its loyal customers is commiting fiscal suicide and deserves to be abandoned by its customers.